Morning Coffee: The funniest man at JPMorgan got a big promotion. Some people got bigger bonuses at Citi

When Doug Petno, the chief executive of commercial banking at JPMorgan, took the stage at the bank's investor day two years ago, he began with a quip. "Haven't even said anything yet," declared Petno when the audience clapped his arrival. He then embarked upon a dry discussion of the "tremendous client franchise," JPMorgan's "tremendous competitive advantage" and how it was "leveraging data at scale," but the quip seems to have been a sign.

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Bloomberg notes that Petno has suddenly emerged as a potential candidate to replace JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon.  Petno was promoted last week when Daniel Pinto's departure was announced. Petno seems not to have got with Pinto, and was one of the people cited by the Financial Times last year as having been favoured ahead of Pinto's people in previous promotions. Last week, though, Petno became co-head of the commercial and investment bank with Troy Rohrbaugh. The top spot is in reach, and Petno could quip his way into it. 

We don't have any other examples of Petno's puns, but Dimon said this month that Petno has "a great sense of humour - one of the best on the OC [operating committee]," so presumably there are more. 

Dimon has a sense of humour himself. Three years ago, he made a joke that JPMorgan was as old as the Chinese Communist Party and would probably last longer, which he was then compelled to retract. Jane Fraser at Citi has a sense of humour too: she's been known to change her Zoom background to embarrassing photos of colleagues, and to steal chairs. 

Being funny is therefore an edge. Maybe Petno was funnier than Pinto. The 164% increase in revenues in the commercial bank during his decade-long tenure probably helps, too. 

Separately, amidst all the complaints about bonuses at Citi, where many people seem to have received almost nothing, some people have been paid up. 

Financial News reports that "dealmakers" at Citi had a 10% increase in their bonus pool. Some received bonuses 30% higher than before; some were paid flat; some were paid down.

If you worked in the investment bank and your bonus at Citi was down for last year, the message seems therefore to be that you were no good. Someone else got your increase instead. 

Meanwhile....

JPMorgan had a secret internal slide presentation about its return to the office. It said anticipated impacts included quiet quitting and attrition, unassigned seating making it difficult and stressful to find a seat, and the danger of losing talent in the short term. It also said that employees with a written warning for office attendance will have pay docked and comments added to their performance evaluation. (Barrons) 

John Waldron's $80m retention package at Goldman Sachs is a reminder that he's in prime position to succeed David Solomon as CEO. (Bloomberg) 

Citi has been cutting managing directors in areas like wealth and technology and cutting a team that compiles data and analysis on Citigroup’s clients. Money is being reinvested in areas like data quality and regulatory controls. (Bloomberg) 

Citi is being fined £59m for “misleading” and “inaccurate” advice when working for it on a prospective public listing for Alcimos, which wanted to raise capital to invest in the Greek property market. It denies the accusations. (Financial Times)  

"When I started in banking in the mid-nineties, “comp day” rivalled any holiday in drama and intensity. Doors slammed, grown men (it was usually men) fought back tears, and impromptu champagne-soaked celebrations spilled into nearby bars." Now, bonuses are delivered according to a script and there's heavy procedural sobriety. (FT) 

Bank of America is awarding $1bn in stock bonuses to its people. A few will receive cash bonuses, too. (Bloomberg) 

Barclays hired Paul Johnson from Goldman Sachs as head of APAC equities. (Bloomberg) 

Commerzbank is considering cutting thousands of jobs to see off Unicredit. (Financial Times) 

Tales from the busy season at the Big Four. “You get shoved in a dark, dingy room with no windows and rarely any computer monitors. They leave you on your own — there’s maybe five or six of you sitting around a small desk with your laptops, depending on how big the client is … You often get the sense they don’t want you there.” (The Times)  

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